Being the peanut butter in the sandwich generation...

 

 

Below is an article I wrote over a year ago.  Things haven't gotten any easier, as my mother-in-law continues to decline from dementia and we attempt to meet her needs to the best of our ability. She is now on Hospice care, which has been terrific for us.  Twenty-six years ago, when my mom had cancer and was at the end of her life, she was on Hospice care for 3 weeks, so I was therefore frightened when we were approached by Janette's doctor about placing her on Hospice care.  I thought she was dying and they hadn't told us!    Today, Hospice recognizes the need for long-term care for dementia patients and the extended length of time services will be needed for them.  We are very thankful for all of the help and support Hospice has provided for us and the compassionate care they give to Janette.

Many adults today are finding themselves as part of the "sandwich" generation.  They are parents who work full time that still have children living at home with them as well as having aging parents who need caring for, too.  It can be exhausting and unrelenting for years and years.  According to the US Bureau of the Census, the number of parents living with their adult children increased from 2.2 million in 2000 to 3.6 million in 2007 – a 63% increase. According to the Pew Research Center study on Social and Demographic Trends (January 2013) adults who are part of the sandwich generation—that is, those who have a living parent age 65 or older and are either raising a child under age 18 or supporting a grown child—are pulled in many directions. Not only do many provide care and financial support to their parents and their children, but nearly four-in-ten (38%) say both their grown children and their parents rely on them for emotional support.

I am one of those statistics.  I have 3 children - one in elementary school, one in junior high, and one in high school.  My mother-in-law is 81 and in the mid-stages of dementia.  After a nasty fall in her independent-living apartment resulting in  2 broken neck vertebrae, surgery and a stint in rehabilitation, we knew she could no longer live safely on her own.  The first thing we did was research as much as we could about what to expect in dealing with dementia.  We discovered that it was important to help her get her finances and healthcare wishes in places before she was no longer mentally able to make those kinds of decisions.  My husband is now her legal power of attorney for both finances and health issues. For about a year she lived with us.  Our house had 3 bedrooms so my children graciously (for the most part) shared a bedroom while Grandma had another.  We all helped her with her activities of daily living.  My son helped her with her physical therapy by playing catch with her.  My daughters helped pick out her clothes for each day and chose audiobooks for her at the library. We had a caregiver be with her while I worked part-time and my husband worked full time.  I felt guilty about never seeming able to keep up the housework and having the caregivers see us rushing around like mad in the mornings because there is no privacy for the rest of the family if there is a caregiver there. The other 16 hours each day we were her caregivers and it was exhausting to do so as well as try to give the children much needed attention. She is a fall risk, so she could not be left alone, therefore we always had someone in the room with her.  At night we used our old baby monitor in her room so we could hear her call if she needed us.  My kids were very understanding, but it felt as if we were being pulled in a million directions between homework, baseball practice, after school activities, orthodontist appointments, grandma's appointments, and getting a household of 6 up and off  to school and work each day or to bed at night.  It takes an incredible amount of organization and coordination to pull all that off. 

Eventually, when my mother in law deteriorated, we could no longer safely care for her in our home and neither she nor we could afford around the clock in-home caregivers. We were fortunate enough to find an assisted living facility that houses 6 residents. They even have a physician, a podiatrist, and a beautician (for nail care and haircuts) who come each month to attend to the residents.  She seems happy and well cared for.  But just because she no longer lives with us does not mean that all our worries are over.  We now have to travel to another neighborhood to visit her and we still take care of all of her finances and manage refills of her prescriptions. We still need to carve out time each week in our busy schedules to go and visit her. 

Many people are fortunate enough to have their parents living with them be in reasonably good physical and mental health, but it is still a challenge for everyone.  It can be difficult for the elderly to accept giving up the freedom of living independently and no matter how well grandparents, parents, and children get along, it can be very difficult to all be under one roof.  As for us, my mother in law has always been there for us and like countless other families in the sandwich generation, we will certainly do our best to be there for her as long as we can.

 

Image courtesy of worradmu at FreeDigitalPhotos.net