Standing
there dripping, I decided that this had gone far enough. I had tried to be
kind. I had been persistent in using my
garden hose and great aim, but not nearly as persistent as she had been. I kept
telling myself she was no different than the fiery red cardinal and his family,
the sweet little tufted titmice, or the noisy blue jay that all visited
regularly. But did any of birds hog all
the birdseed, and then scatter the remains all over my flowerbed to come up as
grass and weeds? No. Even when there was a steady stream of birds
all day long, my feeder would slowly empty throughout the week, instead of
swinging empty and forlorn an hour after I filled it up. I have given up
filling the small feeder that I can see
outside my office window. The pole
attaches to the fence, and therefore is very handy. I greased the pole. I
greased the top of the feeder. It just
isn't feasible to put Vaseline on the entire fence, but I have thought about
doing so. So, now I just have the one feeder right outside our porch, where we
can see it from the kitchen, so we can relax and feel at peace watching the
lovely birds. Or so we thought.
So, today I went to the hardware
store, and I found it. Guaranteed to
stop her. Cue maniacal laughter, ala Bill Murray in Caddyshack. Because as I mentioned at the beginning of this tale, I
was done. Every morning at around 8am, I see her out there stuffing her little
fat face. I let the dog out, who is so
excited because she knows this is something awesomely fun that she and mom do
every day, and she tears out the sliding glass door, and to the porch
door. But our arch nemesis is already
sitting on top of the screened enclosure above the pool, mocking us. So, I let the dog out, who just runs around
the backyard and barks because that's about all she can do 16 feet below the
culprit, and I get the hose, take aim, and squirt the intruder right on the
belly. The next stage of the game
involves her flying off the screen and rocketing down the slope, through the
fence, and back into the woods, with my clueless dog convinced that the
intruder is still on the enclosure.
Usually that's the end of the
game. I bring the dog in, finish getting
ready for work, and look at the feeder a half hour later as I am about to
leave, only to see our adversary munching happily away. All I have to do is
open the sliding glass door quickly this time, and she is gone. My mission complete, I leave for work, but
with a sneaking suspicion she comes back the minute she hears the garage door
creak shut.
But today was different. Oh, she was there as usual at 8am. And there
I was with my hose, and the dog was doing laps in the yard, frantically looking
for the little twerp. But, instead of her dashing off to the woods, she sat on
the far corner of the screen enclosure mocking me. So, I squeezed the trigger of the hose nozzle
even harder to make the water go farther, and it jammed. So, as I tried to unjam it, the pressure
knocked the nozzle out of my hand and it went flying around like a demented
cobra, and I got sprayed. A lot. After I
turned off the hose, rounded up the dog, and wiped the water off my glasses, I
knew I had to step up my game.
Hence the trip to the hardware
store and the successful purchase of my secret weapon. Designed to only allow lightweight birds to
sit on the perches to eat. The guaranteed squirrel-proof bird feeder. She's
tenacious, but I hope I have stymied her once and for all. Only time will tell. Excuse me, I have to go get my clothes out of
the dryer now and wind up the garden hose, but I must admit I will keep it
handy, just in case.
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